Winter Blues
by akakurogin
Summary: [HIATUS] Winter Blues, or SAD, is a serious psychological disorder. Mamoru has it, and it's put him into the hospital. Written in streamofconsciousness, this is other's people's reactions.
1. Blue as the Lover

Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or anything that comes with it. Big, rich companies own it. I do not. So please, this is just me practicing my writing skills so that hopefully, one day I can get into college and be able to afford it.   
This is just a story that I thought up when I was researching a certain type of disorder, called SAD. Be forewarned for a little angst, and I'm trying to get a message across with this story - especially for people who think they may have depression.  
I'm toying with the idea of making this a multi-parter: different stories with different POVs. Please R&R (my email's at the bottom, or pm me); they will definitely play a part in swaying me to write more.  
  
Winter Blues: Blue as the Lover  
  
If you were in the Juuban area of Tokyo one December night - specifically, Christmas Eve - you would have seen the first snow of the year falling. It had been falling for quite some time; there was about four inches of snow already collected on the ground. You also would have seen the figure of a lone male walking slowly through the snow. He would have seemed out of place in the otherwise lifeless winter wonderland. He was unusually tall; his long, black trenchcoat barely reached his knees. As you watch his steps, he stumbled, grabbed his stomach, and fell in the snow. Of course, you would immediately get help, right?  
  
Sadly, there was no one around when that happened to my fiancé. Now I'm sitting here, in the dark hospital room, next to him. He has pneumonia. He also has hypothermia and frostbite. And he has severe blood loss. When he was found that later night and taken to the hospital - the very one I'm sitting in - the doctors said he had cuts on his wrists. Maybe he tried suicide, they said. Thankfully he missed the main artery - by two millimeters. Two millimeters. Two millimeters saved my fiancé, my soulmate, my other half. Now a bag of blood, the blood of some complete stranger, is dripping into my prince. I wish I knew who's blood it was; I want to thank that person for giving up the blood that is keeping him alive.  
  
I got here about an hour after he did. I've been here about an hour. Just looking at him. He looks like a little child. A lost, lonely little child. The tubes running into and out of him make him seem so small. He's so helpless like this; they say he can barely breathe on his own because of the pneumonia.   
  
I've been awake all night. It is now nine a.m., Christmas Day. Wonderful Christmas, isn't it? I smile bitterly as I look at my fiancé, and look out the window. By now, Tokyo has been covered with a thick layer of snow. Usually, visitors aren't allowed to stay so long, but since Ami's mother works here, and my fiancé is serving his residency here and everyone knows him and me, they let me stay. They know how hard it is for me to be separated from him. My fiancé closest friend here, Tamasaki-san, is treating him. Mizuno-san is helping him when she has free time.  
  
It is eleven a.m. now. The girls enter the room, one at a time. How are you feeling? Minako asks me. I laugh dryly. Me? Why does she want to know how I am feeling? She ought to ask that to Mamo-chan. Makoto hands me food, but I am not hungry. How can I think about eating when he is laying there, so vulnerable to anything? I smile weakly and thank her anyway. Ami walks in and immediately begins checking his vital signs. She is in her fourth year of college as a pre-med. Rei - her reaction surprises me most of all. She walks in, and, without saying a word, hugs me. She usually doesn't show emotion like that. She takes my hand, and presses a small box into it.  
  
Makoto goes out, and returns with three more wrapped boxes, and a little pink-haired girl. These are from us, she says, indicating herself, Ami and Minako. I know you're probably not in the mood for presents, but we thought it just might help cheer you up.  
  
Thank you guys, I say. I do not open the presents. Instead, I hug the little girl as she runs to me.  
  
Kaa-san! she cries, as I envelope her in my arms.  
  
Shhh, I tell her. Don't cry, Chibi-Usa, honey. It's OK, I'm here.  
  
She's so sweet. She's like a ray of moonlight that just brightens up my day. She usually doesn't call me kaa-san, or Mamoru tou-san, but when she's scared or upset, she will. I think it just makes her feel safe. I like her calling me kaa-san, and I know Mamoru likes her calling him tou-san. We've waited over a millennia to have a child, and we are still waiting. I think we deserve our time with her, our future daughter.  
  
Is tou-san going to be OK? What's wrong with him? she asks.  
  
I don't know sweetie. But tou-san will be OK, don't you worry. He's just a little sick right now; he'll be OK as soon as the doctors make him all better, OK?  
  
I know I shouldn't talk to her like that. She's ten years old - not a baby. But I can't help it; it just feels more right to be talking in that manner. Chibi-Usa doesn't seem to mind it too much. I think she wants me to speak this way, as though she's safer.  
  
There's eight inches of snow out there, Minako informs me. It's stopped snowing, but the roads are just awful. She continues chattering. I tune her out. I know it's rude, but I cannot help it. I don't want to listen to her babble. Not here. Not today.  
  
After awhile, they get ready to leave. Usagi-chan, you should go home, Ami says.  
  
No. I need to be here. I need to be with him. He shouldn't have to be alone on Christmas day, I say.  
  
And neither should you, Minako reasons. Your family needs you.  
  
No. I will stay. My family has each other. He only has me, and Chibi-Usa.  
  
I'll stay, kaa-san, my little sweetheart volunteers. I refuse; she needs to have fun on Christmas. After all, you're only ten once. So I shoo them all out. Once again, I am alone with Mamoru. Oh Mamo-chan, when will you awake?  
  
  
  
It is now the twenty-sixth, two days after Mamoru's accident.  
  
Yesterday, almost right after the inner senshi left, the outer senshi came to pay a visit. Michiru told me that Mamoru would be OK; her mirror had shown her his recovery. Haruka forced me to leave the hospital room for an hour. She took me for a drive around the now-white Tokyo. She said I needed the fresh air. Setsuna had come with several sketches of designs for the wedding clothes. She left it here for me to look over. They are very beautiful, but I cannot look at them anymore. At least, not until Mamo-chan wakes. Hotaru, like Rei, said nothing. She just hugged me, showing me that I had her support.  
  
This afternoon, my family had come to visit. It is strange how accepting they are of Mamo-chan now. Before, okaa-san loved him. She always thought he was a wonderful person, and had a great dream and was a hard work. Otou-san though, was a different story. He thought Mamo-chan was too old for me. Now though, as we are both older, he is more accepting of the age difference. Shingo loves Mamoru. He's been calling Mamoru onii-san for a few years now. The two of them do everything together - go to car races, fishing, driving. Mamoru taught Shingo to drive, actually.  
  
Someone is opening the door. I stand up, ready to greet whoever it is. Oh, it's just the nurse. What's that? The doctors want to question me? Have they not questioned me enough? Something else? All right, I'll come, but please, who will watch over him? I don't want him to wake up in a strange place and be alone. He won't wake up tonight? What if he does? Oh you know him? Right, I know he is a residents here… You're on the same shift? You're shift's almost over, but you will stay by him? Thank you ever so much.  
  
I feel like an idiot, repeating everything she says. But I have spent nearly two days sitting by his bedside. I have gotten less than an hour of sleep, and I need to say things to comprehend what is being said.  
  
The doctors were waiting for me right outside his room. Tsukino-san, please follow me, the short blond one says. He starts walking down the hall. Come on Usagi, Ami's mom says. She puts an arm around me, and we follow Tamasaki-san. We enter a small room. It has two sofas on either side, facing each other. Tamasaki-san sist on one sofa, Mizuno-san and I sit facing him. Mizuno-san has been so kind to me since I came here. She brought me food and clothes, and let me use the doctor's bathrooms because she felt they were cleaner and she didn't want me getting sick. Tamasaki-san has a clipboard in his hand; he questions me from it and takes notes of my answers on it.  
  
Anything strange about Mamo-chan? My Mamo-chan? No, I don't recall him acting strange. He gets a little upset every December. It's sad really; his parents died on Christmas Eve. But that was years ago; why would it make a difference this year? Sleep problems? Well, yes, I suppose, but who can blame him? With all the excitement of Christmas, his residency, his school, what would you except? The poor man deserves to be tired.  
  
I do not tell Tamasaki-san about the real reason I think Mamo-chan is always oversleeping. A new enemy of the senshi showed up last month. It is a difficult opponent; we have yet to meet anyone in charge of sending the youma. Whoever it is is rather smart; he or she has been sending three to five youma to different parts of Tokyo at the same time. So, the senshi are forced to split up to battle, sometimes one-on-one, sometimes two-on-one. Nonetheless, this is extremely trying on us, and it has taken its toll. Even Mamo-chan had to fight one-on-one quite a few times. There hasn't been any attacks in the past week though. It seems as though this enemy is giving us a break to spend Christmas with our families, without having to fight every night. So I cannot see how sleep would affect Mamo-chan's condition; he should have been getting plenty of it this week.  
  
Hm, yes I have noticed that. He seems to feel endlessly guiltily, even for things beyond his control. A few years ago, he forgot my birthday, but for such a big thing, he seemed to feel guilty only until he got my a present and I forgave him. Last week, he forgot to bring cash to our meeting with the caterer for our wedding, so I paid. He was still apologizing on Christmas Eve, even though I had forgiven him time and again. Yes, I've noticed him losing hope. I think this month as just been a little rough on him. He got his first score below a ninety percent on a semester final this year. Yes, I encourage him; I think it helps a little, but he still seems a little down.  
  
Once again, I leave out the battle. Mamo-chan actually would not stop apologizing for being unable to help all five inner senshi at once. We've told him time and again that it's not his fault, that he cannot be five places at once, but he is still overly upset about it. And he is losing faith in his abilities as Tuxedo Kamen. I sigh. He always gave us hope; I don't know how I'm surviving without his "flowery nonsense," as Haruka put it.  
  
Eating? Sir, I eat more than he does. Then again, lately, yes I suppose. He has been eating a lot. What kinds of food? Well, just Christmas Eve, he had come over for dinner - he was heading home when he became unconscious - it seemed he really wanted sweets. I mean, I love chocolate and I eat a lot of it, but he seemed to really want sweet things. He had given me a box of chocolates when he came. He usually does, but he usually turns down the offer of any. That time, he actually took a few. And he usually barely tastes dessert, if he has any at all. That time, well, he had seconds. Sure, everyone had seconds - my mother's baking is very good - but it's quite rare for him to have more than a few bites.  
  
How he's been treating me? Well, now that you mention it, he has sort of been avoiding me. I think he's been avoiding a lot of people lately. I think it's just the holidays. Like I said, his parents died on Christmas Eve. He's entitled to grieving for them around this time. Although, this year, he seemed to be more easily upset. He's yelled at me a couple of times; he's never yelled at me before. He doesn't seem to want to be near me as much as he used to. When we were first engaged, everyone complained about us being unable to separate. Recently, it seems as though he feels that being with me is a chore.  
  
Physically? I blush. What do you mean, sir? Oh, that? No, he hasn't complained of any pains. No, I don't think he was sick before the twenty-fourth.   
  
And that was it. Mizuno-san led me back to Mamo-chan's room. The nurse was sitting where I had been when we entered. I thanked her, and she and Mizuno-san left.  
  
  
  
*Flashback*  
  
"Usako, I'm so useless, I don't know how you ever put up with me," Mamoru said, as we leave the caterer's building.  
  
I'm not mad at him. He just came from a final; I don't expect him to remember everything. "It's OK Mamo-chan," I tell him. "I forget things all the time too. Everyone does; it's only human. Besides, you can make it up to be by taking me out to lunch. I'm starved!" I smile at him happily. Our wedding meal is planned; all there is left to do for our wedding is get the clothes for the wedding party, which Setsuna said she will help with, and wait until spring.  
  
"Sure, but let's drop by my place first, so I can pick up some money," he said. I was shocked at the tone in his voice; it sounded like he was going to cry.  
  
"Mamo-chan? Hon, it's OK! I'm serious! Why are you so upset about something this small?" I ask, wrapping my arms around him.  
  
"I - I don't know. I just feel so guilty…"  
  
*End Flashback*  
  
  
  
He was like that for the rest of the day. He wouldn't stop apologizing, and even up to Christmas Eve, he was still feeling guilty. I feel so useless. Why can't I explain to him that it was OK? I wish I were more like Minako - Mina, who could've convinced Adolf Hitler that everyone was created equal. If Mamoru had only been dating Mina, he wouldn't have been feeling so guilty this whole time. Minako - who could convince my brother in the Silver Millennium, Kevin, the most rulebook-following of Endymion's generals, to sneak visits to the Moon to visit her.  
  
But it wasn't just that.  
  
  
  
*Flashback*  
  
I was freshening up in Mamoru's bathroom, after a hassling afternoon of signing invitations to the wedding. We were going out to dinner. I was looking for some moisturizer, when I came across his razor. It was bloody.  
  
"Mamo-chan, what happened?" I asked him when I called him into the bathroom and showed him the razor.  
  
"Oh, that's old," he said, tossing it into the garbage can. "I cut myself shaving last week."  
  
*End Flashback*  
  
  
  
The last time he cut himself shaving was a year ago. Since then, I have never seen him with any cuts on his face. He had been wearing a long-sleeved shirt that day. Now I realize what he had been doing. I should have realized it sooner. I hate myself. I hate how naïve and gullible I am. If I had been smarter, if I had just thought a little more about the blood, if I had been more observant about his clothes, if I had thought about his care in not cutting himself… this could have been prevented.  
  
If only I were more like Ami-chan. Ami would have immediately called his bluff. Ami would have been able to see that the amount of blood on the razor was much more than a slip of the hand would have drawn from the face, and would have demanded to see his wrists. I can't believe I was so stupid; I'm not worth Mamoru's love.  
  
  
  
*Flashback*  
  
"Tuxedo Kamen! Are you OK?" I cried, as I watch him fall from his perch on a tree. An evil laugh came from behind me.  
  
"Sailor Moon watch out!" the senshi cry, as Sailor Venus loops her Love-Me Chain around my waist and pulls me away from the youma's attack.  
  
"Mars Snake Fire!"  
  
"Jupiter Coconut Cyclone!"  
  
The two attacks slammed into the youma on opposite sides. I waited, almost out of habit, for Tuxedo Kamen's "Now Sailor Moon!", but it never came. Instead, Sailor Mercury cried out, "Sailor Moon! For the love of Selenity finish him off!"  
  
"Rainbow Moon Heartache!" The youma was dust, but I ran to Tuxedo Kamen's side. He was asleep.  
  
*End Flashback*  
  
  
  
He wouldn't stop apologizing for that either. I was really worried about him. I kept wondering why he didn't take better care of himself. I assumed it was just because of his residency; I mean, he'd been working thirty-six hour shifts; he deserves to be tired, ne?  
  
I sigh. I'm just making excuses for my negligence. I should have noticed it sooner. How dumb am I? We usually aren't that tired, even if we pull all-nighters. I want to hit myself. Why didn't I worry more about Mamo-chan? He is always so caring of me, why don't I return his care? Maybe Mamo-chan would have been better off with Rei-chan. She would have taken good care of him. She would not have allowed the Christmas season and the upcoming wedding blind her to the physical state Mamoru was in.  
  
  
  
*Flashback*  
  
"Wow, Mamo-chan, your apartment is starting to look like my room!" I exclaimed as I carefully picked my way to the sofa from the door, stepping over clothes and books littered haphazardly on the ground.  
  
"Yea, I've just been really busy at the hospital and studying for finals and planning for the wedding," Mamoru smiled sheepishly, looking at all the dirty dishes and clothes littering his living room. "Maybe we should work in the bedroom today."  
  
*End Flashback*  
  
  
  
That's ENOUGH! *PLEASE!* No more flashbacks; I can't take it anymore! I grab my head, falling to my knees, kneeling at Mamo-chans' bedside. I'm not worthy of him, I know it. I should have noticed something wrong then, too. Mamo-chan is a neat freak; even when he's exhausted, he can't sleep unless his apartment is spotless. If only I was as keen as Makoto on these domestic issues. She would've seen that Mamoru was going through something more than mere sleep deprivation.  
  
PLEASE NO MORE FLASHBACKS!!  
  
I start whispering. I'm sorry Mamo-chan, so sorry. I can't believe I've taken up so much of your time. I don't know why you stay with me, why you put up with me. I'm not worthy of your love. So much had been happening that should have given me some indication that something was wrong. You gave so many cries for help, cries that a smart, observant, caring fiancée would have noticed right away. I'm sorry Mamo-chan, so sorry.  
  
  
  
It's New Year's Eve. Mamo-chan woke today. It's been a week since he entered the hospital. The doctors know what is wrong with him. He has SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder. Ami brought me some books she found on SAD in the library.   
  
SAD begins appearing in late September and ends in early April, peaking in the darkest days of winter. Well, that would be the time around December 21 - the winter solstice. It is different from depression, in that much of its symptoms are direct opposite. Cases of SAD increase proportionally with distance from the equator, unless there is snow. Only fifteen to twenty-five percent of those with SAD are men, but Mamo-chan appears to be one of those unfortunates. Thankfully, there is a treatment. Tamasaki-san plans on getting Mamo-chan settled into the routine as soon as he recovers from his illnesses. SAD is supposedly related to a hormone imbalance due to a lack of bright light, natural light. Light in buildings is only one-fifth that intensity. So Tamasaki-san is going to get Mamoru a special lamp, one that is at the intensity he needs.  
  
I can't believe I was such an idiot that I didn't see any of those signs. As soon as he gets well, I'm going to break the engagement. Destined or not, I'm not worthy of him. Any of the other girls would be better suited to being with him. Ami could take care of him, mentally and physically. Rei could take care of him spiritually. Makoto is the perfect housewife; he needs someone like her, who can take care of him when he's tired and sick. Minako, who is currently studying to be a nurse, could take care of him better than me. She would also fuss over him and love him, if she wanted to. Any of them would be a better match than me. All I do is waste his time.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
So, hate it? Love it? Want more? C&C! Email! (lady_of_light00@hotmail.com)  
  
Oh, and Usagi's thoughts about Minako and Kevin is a story I borrowed from my other fic, Soulmates in Silver.  
  
The point of this fic is to encourage people who think someone they know, be it themselves or an acquaintance, is suffering from depression or other psychological disorders to seek help. It can affect other people, too - more than you think.  
  
  
  
  
  
Lady of Light  
  
1/03 


	2. Blue as the Daughter

Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or anything that comes with it. Big, rich companies own it. I do not. So please, this is just me practicing my writing skills so that hopefully, one day I can get into college and be able to afford it.   
R&R please. I will take requests on the people I should write. This one is Chibi-Usa's story. Although she's not one of my favorite characters, she is Mamoru's daughter, and therefore one of the closest people to his being.  
Each chapter will have a overlap, so it won't pick up right where the last one left off. This one begins in the middle of Blue as the Lover, where the inner senshi and Chibi-Usa visit Usagi and Mamoru in the hospital  
  
Winter Blues  
Chapter 2: Blue as the Daughter  
  
I sit in the waiting room, where Makoto told me to. I sit and wait. Something has happened to otou-san, I know it.  
  
There is a pile of gifts next to me. They're from Makoto, Ami and Minako. They're for my okaa-san. Well, really, she's still only Usagi and he's only Mamoru, but I like calling them kaa-san and tou-san. They will be in the future.  
  
She's in there, with otou-san. After that man called last night telling okaa-san to go to the hospital, she didn't come home.  
  
I look at the tiled floors as I kick my feet. Why are hospitals always white, pale blue, or pale green? That's all I've ever seen hospitals colored.  
  
Neo-Queen Serenity-sama sent me back in time again. She wants me to learn a "very important" lesson, as she puts it. I don't know what this lesson is, but somehow, I'm supposed to find out simply by being here.  
  
Mako-chan returns for me. Come, she says. Someone needs you right now. I follow her into the room. I see okaa-san. I run into her arms. She shushes me, and says, Don't cry, Chibi-Usa, honey. It's OK, I'm here.  
  
I love her. I don't tell her this because in reality, she is not my okaa-san. She is the past self of my real okaa-san. So I think she can wait for me to tell her I love her.  
  
In the hospital room, I see otou-san's past self lying on the hospital bed, tubes and things going into and coming out of him. I see a bag of blood slowly dripping into him. I want to cry, but I swallow the tears for later. I'm a lady, however small, and ladies don't cry. Instead, I ask okaa-san if tou-san is going to be OK. I also ask her what is wrong with him.  
  
I don't know sweetie, she replies. But tou-san will be OK, don't you worry. He's just a little sick right now; he'll be OK as soon as the doctors make him all better, OK?  
  
I nod. I don't think it's OK, or else okaa-san wouldn't be on the verge of tears. She talks with the other girls for awhile. Ami-chan tells her she should go home. She answers that she need to be with otou-san. She says that all he has are herself and me.  
  
I'll stay, kaa-san, I offer. I don't want otou-san to be alone on Christmas, either, but he's not very good company the way he is, and I don't want okaa-san to be alone either. She refuses, and makes us leave.  
  
The girls take me to Crown Arcade. We get milkshakes; Ami-chan pays for mine. Motoki-kun comes back to our table with five milkshakes; chocolate for me, Makoto, and Minako, and vanilla for Ami and Rei. I want chocolate; I like chocolate when I'm upset. The dark color and slightly bitter taste is comforting. Rei has always liked vanilla. She says that the white is almost like eating something to blot out the red anger or black hurt inside her. I don't know what she means; how can your emotions have colors, and how can a milkshake cover them up? But Rei-chan is smart like that. She gets things I don't, or can't.  
  
Motoki-kun gives me my milkshake. I take a gulp, but find it hard to swallow. There is something in my throat, something bitterer than the bitterest of medicines. Where are Usagi-chan and Mamoru-kun? Motoki asks. He doesn't know yet. Ami explains to him what happened to otou-san, and how okaa-san is in the hospital with him. That's awful! he gasps. Reika and I will be sure to visit them later today. Visiting hours end at four, right? Ami nods, and he thanks her and walks away.  
  
  
  
Later that day, the girls drop me off at okaa-san's home. I am careful to refer to okaa-san as Usagi-chan though. Her parents do not know the real truth of our family. They don't know that I am Mamoru and Usagi's daughter. My imagination shows me an image of Kenji-san after he finds out. I giggle; the image isn't pretty. They know about what happened to my otou-san, their future son-in-law, and what happened to him, and why okaa-san is there with him, but they won't visit until tomorrow. Tomorrow, I won't go with them. I don't want to see otou-san looking so dead again. He isn't dead, and he will be OK. I'm still here, still in existence. That means he must pull through this; that means he must survive.  
  
  
  
It is December 27. Okaa-san just came home. How in kami-sama did you get home? Kenji-san asks. And why are you so wet? he adds, obviously looking at her soaked-to-the-bone state.  
  
I walked, she replies dully.  
  
I gasp. She walked all those miles from the hospital here? Oh kaa-san, I whisper.  
  
Ikuko-mama springs up. You what!? she cries. You must be freezing! And she is. I can tell. She's shivering, and her lips are blue. But her eyes - her eyes are the coldest part of her body. Ikuko-mama starts fussing about her. She tells Shingo to draw a hot bath and Kenji-san to make hot tea. Meanwhile, she pushes okaa-san into her bedroom and towels her dry. I hug Luna to my chest; Luna has not seen okaa-san since she left for the hospital. She tells me to put her down, and she runs off after those two. I sit on the bottom step of the stairs. I cannot do anything for okaa-san that neither Ikuko-mama nor Luna can do; I would just get in the way. I wonder how otou-san is doing.  
  
I am so useless. I'm not really a part of this family. I mean, the rest of them all take care of a member of their family so collectively. Each one of them takes part in making sure my okaa-san doesn't get sick. And me? I do nothing. I can't do anything, because I am a worthless, useless, CHILD. Is this what Neo-Queen Serenity-sama's wanted me to learn? I rest my head on the stairway railing. I've learned my lesson kaa-san, I whimper into the cool wood. I know now - you always thought I was annoying. You always thought I was just an annoyance that entered your life to take away from your time with your friends and tou-san. Please, just let me come home. I promise - I'll stop being annoying. You won't even notice I'm there. Please - just don't make me stay here when you and tou-san are going through so much. Please…  
  
  
  
It must be me. There is no other explanation. I mean, okaa-san is breaking up with otou-san. Yesterday, Ikuko-mama made sure okaa-san went off to bed immediately after forcing her into the bath and forcing her to drink the tea. She said that whatever reason okaa-san had for breaking up with otou-san, it must be reasonable and justified, and therefore could always wait until tomorrow. Well, it is now "tomorrow," and she just told the family. Kenji-san, who has only recently accepted otou-san as his future son-in-law, looks happy. Never mind, he is now frowning. I crawl into okaa-san's lap at the same time Luna curls around her neck. She hugs me and nuzzles Luna. Why? Ikuko-mama asks. You and he love each other so…  
  
Okaa-san doesn't respond. She just stares glumly at the coffee table. She hugs me tighter though. I think if she hugs any tighter, I won't be able to breath. I wonder what will happen to me. If okaa-san doesn't marry otou-san, then I won't be born. How can I be? Oh but how can I be so selfish? Okaa-san is obviously hurting. I see tears welling up in her eyes, but she blinks them away. She is already becoming like my real okaa-san - her future self. She refuses to cry, just like a real lady. She is so different from when I last visited, when she would cry over anything. But, she is upset.  
  
It has to be me. I am so selfish, while the two of them are so giving. I always think of myself first. Just now, I had thought of what would happen to me, instead of what would happen to them two. I mean, okaa-san and otou-san have the strongest bond anyone could have - a soulmate bond.  
  
Okaa-san gets up. She sits me down on the couch, and puts Luna in my lap. I am going back, she announces. He shouldn't have to be alone. Even if he and I are not meant to be, he should not be alone. Kenji-san won't let her walk though. Ikuko-mama helps them compromise - she calls Haruka-chan and has her drive over.  
  
Can I go with you? You really shouldn't be alone there - what if you get sick or something?  
  
She glares at me. It's OK, she bits out. I'll be fine. Don't worry about me.  
  
I sink back into the cushions. Yes, I'm useless. So why doesn't kaa-san call me home? That must be what she wants me to learn, so why can't I go home already? Or is that a part of the lesson? She doesn't want me home, so she decided to just leave me here? I just hope that whenever I am, I can stop being such a pest to okaa-san and otou-san. Oh… is it me? Is that why otou-san's in the hospital? Could I have put him there? Maybe I was so annoying he, I don't know, couldn't take it anymore?   
  
  
  
My New Year's resolution is to stop being such a pain. In fact, I will become the perfect lady. That way, otou-san will get better quicker, and okaa-san will see that there is nothing wrong with her, and that it's all my fault, and will take him back. It is not New Year's yet, but I must start practicing now. Besides, I'm already ten; I should be acting more like a lady. In exactly half a year, I'll be eleven. Luna-P is going over the rules of etiquette with me right now. I practice curtsies, pleases, thank you's and your welcome's, smiling grac… graciou… kindly like okaa-san, and other things Luna-P thinks I ought to be able to do. Luna-P also gives me make-believe scena…scenar…scenes to teach me the proper responses. I will become a lady, and otou-san and okaa-san will see that they are doing a good job raising me.  
  
I ask Luna-P for a break. She floats a little off onto the windowsill. I lay down on the bed and think. I wonder what I could've done to make okaa-san so upset and ready to leave otou-san. I think about the past, back to the Dark Moon Family times. That could've started it. I mean, otou-san was spending all his time with me and nearly none with okaa-san. He even broke up with her. And I kept calling him my boyfriend and making fun of her. I was such a child back then, I don't know how she put up with me. No, wait, she didn't. I giggle, but Luna-P glares at me. I immediately stop. Ladies do not giggle, especially when their father is in a coma and their mother is ready to break up with him, all because of them.  
  
I sigh. I really don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe they are better off without me. I haven't seen nor heard okaa-san since Haruka picked her up two days ago. I worry about her. I hope she didn't try walking anywhere in that snow again.  
  
Okaa-san did say she and I were otou-san's only family. But then why doesn't she want me to be with her? It must be because of something I've done. And she won't tell me what is wrong with otou-san either. Why does he have blood dripping into him? He didn't have any bandages, except around his lower arms, so he couldn't have been in an accident. Something must have happened to his arms.   
  
I'm so confused! I don't know why otou-san won't wake up, and I don't know why okaa-san is so upset, and I don't know what I did wrong but I know I did something! Why can't life be simple again? Is this Neo-Queen Serenity-sama's "very important" lesson? That life isn't simple? Or that sometimes people get sick or upset and you don't know what to do but you know you did something and you feel horrible about it? Kaa-san, I've learned my lesson! I cry out into the room. Please! Take me home! I don't want to see any more of this suffering! Tears stream down my face, but I make no effort to wipe them away.  
  
  
  
I fell asleep in that position that day. Luna came in and covered me up with a blanket. I don't know how she managed to do it, but somehow, that cat did. I wish I had her ability to sense what other people need. She always knows what to say to cheer up okaa-san, or to give courage to the senshi, or to help put things into perceptive for otou-san. She figured out so easily that I needed a blanket, and she was able to get me one. If I were more like her, I would be able to figure out what otou-san needs, and what okaa-san needs. Then I could help otou-san so he would wake up, and I could help okaa-san so she won't break up with otou-san. I know I'm not perfect; I'm not asking to be perfect. I doubt anyone really is perfect. All I want to be is just a little better. Just a little - enough so that I can be a better daughter to the two who have taken such good care of me.  
  
Artemis is here now, too. He was just over at Ami's, who got an update on otou-san's condition. He says otou-san awoke earlier today. I am glad; at least otou-san has a chance at winning back okaa-san now. But he says that okaa-san looks more depressed than when he was still sleeping. I wish I were there to comfort her. I don't think okaa-san really wants to break up with otou-san. Honest. I think there's another reason she's breaking up with him. It's possible it's my fault; somehow, everything always is. I mean, back in the days of the Dark Moon Family, if I had been a good girl, I wouldn't have taken the ginzuishou, and Neo-Queen Serenity-sama would've had the ginzuishou to fight the Dark Moon Family and she wouldn't have been put into that crystal thing. Also, if I hadn't been outside the castle, then she wouldn't have had to come look for me, so she wouldn't have even been in the line of fire of the enemy. As if that wasn't enough, the only reason Wiseman almost succeeded was because I listened to him and became Wicked Lady and helped him open up the Dark Gate. It was my fault. Then with the Amazoness Quartet, Helios nearly couldn't come help us because I was selfish and I got what I wanted. I became an adult and Helios couldn't come help the senshi fight. That was all my fault, too. Then of course, there were the Death Busters. All because I couldn't let the Outers harm Hotaru, Mistress Nine came out, and she even took my heart crystal. All my fault, once again. Everything is always my fault. And when you think about it, for most of those events, I really wasn't even alive! I hadn't even been born yet, and I was causing all that trouble. I really am a very bad person.  
  
  
  
Ikuko-mama walks into the room. How am I feeling? I can't let her know that I know that otou-san woke up, so I tell her I feel the same as usual. Really? Mamoru-san woke up? I fake looking really excited, when I actually already know more than she does. After all, can't let the truth out. We're going to go visit them today? OK. I'll get ready.  
  
She leaves. I change, and tell Artemis and Luna to behave while we go visit my parents. Of course they will; cats over a millennia years old who once helped run a kingdom don't need to be told to behave. Unlike me - I am not as old nor as wise as they are. I wish I were more wise, and had the knowledge, grace, attitude, and carriage they do. If I could be more like the two guardian cats, I'd know why otou-san is so sick, and I'd know what I did wrong, and I'd know how to become a better daughter. I probably also wouldn't do whatever it was, and they wouldn't be in that mess. Cats are such wise creatures. I am so jealous of their behavior. I mean, they're cats. Mere guardians. I am a princess, and yet they know more than I do about how to be a person. How to act towards one's superiors, in their case, and parents, in mine.  
  
  
  
I get into the taxi Kenji-san called. Kenji-san sits in the passenger seat. Ikuko-mama sits behind him. I sit in the middle, squished between Shingo and Ikuko-mama. Shingo is upset. It's obvious - he's not playing any video game or anything. Before, on trips to even the nearest of places, such as the hospital, he always had a game out. But not today - no, today he left the games at home. It is like a sign of respect for my otou-san. How strange - he already is respecting otou-san, when in the future, he will respect him so much more.  
  
I wish I had shown otou-san the same respect Shingo is showing him now. I wish I had shown okaa-san that respect too. They are my parents; they deserve the highest degrees of respect from me. I'm a horrible daughter. Even Shingo would make a better Neo-Prince of Crystal Tokyo than I a Neo-Princess. At least he can feel when something is wrong and knows he shouldn't be doing things such as play video games. I hate myself. I am a princess. I have had the training of a princess, and a senshi. And yet, a common boy - my uncle, but a common boy without training nonetheless - has bested me as far as being a polite person and member of society goes. He knows how to show respect to his elders, while I, a princess, still have not gotten it.  
  
  
  
When we get into the hospital, okaa-san is already in the room. We enter, and she stands up. I see a stack of books next to her - the only title I can make out is "Mela…to…nin". Melatonin. I whisper it, getting a feel of the word.  
  
Ot…Mamoru-san! I cry, as I look up from the book and see otou-san's blue eyes smiling at me. My parents' faces change for a split second when I slipped and almost called him otou-san in front of Ikuko-mama and the family, but the smiles immediately return as they greet us. I run up to otou-san's bed, and Kenji-san lifts me up to the bed. How are you feeling? I ask, looking at him. He tells me he feels fine, and asks me how I am. I grin at him and describe the presents the girls got me for Christmas. He smiles back and tells me that's nice and how nice the girls are. I'm about to ask him why Usagi-chan is going to break up with him, but okaa-san lifts me off the bed and tells me that Mamoru-san is still sick, and so I shouldn't talk to him too much or he'll be even more tired. Ikuko-mama tells us to go wait for them out in the waiting room.  
  
So here I am again, sitting in the same seat I was almost a week ago. I pull my knees up to my chest and I rock myself back and forth. Shingo just stares at the wall. I don't get it. Otou-san isn't that sick, is he? Did I make him sick? Am I the real reason okaa-san wants to break up with him? Is it because she's afraid that if she marries him, then they'd be bound to have me as a child, and that thought frightens her so much she'd just rather not marry him at all? Oh kami-sama, what if that's it? It must be - that's the only reason she could have for wanting not wanting to be with someone she obviously loves so much.  
  
  
  
It's the third - four days after otou-san woke up. He is being discharged from the hospital today. For the past four days, okaa-san hasn't left the hospital at all. She says that because otou-san is awake, he needs her company, needs her there, more than ever before. The doorbell rings, and Haruka calls out for someone to hurry up and open the door. I run down the hall and down the stairs. I hope I am the first to get there. I reach the main hallway, only to see Shingo taking otou-san's arm, and he and Haruka helping otou-san into the house. Otou-san looks awful - he looks even worse than when we visited him when he just awoke.  
  
Mamoru-san! Mamoru-san! I hop up and down as I watch the three maneuver their way to the couch. Haruka and Shingo lay him down on it, and I see him wince in pain. Mamoru-san, are you OK? I walk up to the couch and kneel in front of him. Wait, where's Usagi-chan? Otou-san's grimace deepens. I turn to Haruka. Where is she?  
  
Okaa-san walks in the door just then. She closes the door, and I run to hug her. Usagi-chan, why is Mamoru-san so upset? She grimaces.  
  
Oh no you didn't really break the engagement, did you? Shingo asks.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
So, hate it? Love it? Want more? C&C or email! (lady_of_light00@hotmail.com)  
  
Cliffhanger, yes? ^_^ my first real cliffhanger - did Usagi really break up with Mamoru? What will happen now? And don't expect the next chapter to cover that - the next chapter will be Motoki. ^_^ The chapter after Motoki will be Mamoru. I got a request for Mamoru! But I didn't see it until I already got Motoki's planned out, so his will come first.   
  
Once again - the point of this fic is to encourage people who think someone they know, be it themselves or an acquaintance, is suffering from depression or other psychological disorders to seek help. It can affect other people, too - more than you think.  
  
  
  
  
  
Lady of Light  
  
1/03 


	3. Blue as the Friend

Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or anything that comes with it. Big, rich companies own it. I do not. So please, this is just me practicing my writing skills. I need my money for college.  
  
R&R please. I will take requests on the people I should write. This one is from Motoki's POV. As Mamoru's best and oldest friend (aside from the generals, but I don't know if I really want to include them into this fic), I believe Motoki deserves a spot on this arc. Plus, I just want to savor the suspense of whether or not Usagi broke up with Mamoru, and what happens after. (Read: I have no clue what to write in that aspect; this fic wasn't supposed to go beyond the first chapter)  
  
Thanks to Lillian, stilldreaming, Noreen, bunny, BonovoxSM, Oxymoron, and Jen for their C&C on both FFN and ASMR. I'm only continuing this fic because of your encouragement. ^_^  
  
Yet again - overlap. But new stuff will come out.  
  
WARNING! Mild language ahead. The really bad ones are marked with *'s, so use your imagination. Er, only if you're old enough…  
  
Winter Blues  
  
Chapter 3: Blue as the Best Friend  
  
The girls walk in the Crown Arcade again. Wait, no, Usagi-chan and Mamoru-kun aren't there. That's kind of strange, considering those girls usually can't separate themselves. They come here pretty much everyday after school. I get the five girls their shakes, and ask after the couple.  
  
Where are Usagi-chan and Mamoru-kun? Ami, the quiet, blue-haired genius, answers that Mamoru was in the hospital, in a coma. I am shocked. Mamoru, the strong fool who can withstand anything? I have to go visit him.  
  
That's awful! I exclaim. Reika and I will be sure to visit them later today. Visiting hours end at four, right? Ami nods. I thank her, and I go back to my other customers. I'll take Reika with me; I'm sure she'll want to see him also.  
  
It's strange. Lately, I haven't seen Mamoru as much. I wonder if he may be getting lonely. I mean, all he does lately is go to school and go out with Usa-chan. Sure he hangs out with the girls, but he doesn't get out enough with the guys. Maybe that's what he's missing. Could we have done part in making him upset? Maybe Saori and Kobayashi would like to come too. It may be that Mamoru is spending too much time with those girls.  
  
Sure, they're smart. Ami Mizuno, especially. But they're not the same age as Mamoru, and with all his stress, he needs us. I call Reika.  
  
Moshi moshi?  
  
Reiko, it's my, Motoki. I just heard from the girls that Mamoru's in the hospital. I'm not sure how; I forgot to ask. I'm going to go visit him in a little while, do you want to come? Sure, two sounds great. Meet me at the Crown? OK, great, see you then.  
  
After that, I decided to call Kobayashi, just to see if he wants to come. Kobayashi-kun, it's me, Furuhata Motoki. Yea, I know it's been awhile since we've last spoken. Listen, do you remember Chiba Mamoru from college? Yea the guy Saori liked. He's in the hospital.   
  
I hear him gasp. I tell him that I don't know what happened - just that he was in a coma, and that Usagi was with him. Listen, I'm going to go visit him later today, I say, unable to think anymore. Do you and Saori want to come with me? Reika's also coming.  
  
He agrees. I tell him to meet me at the Crown around two.   
  
I tell Unazuki to take care of the Crown while I go check up on Mamoru. It's Christmas Day, so we close up earlier anyway. She wants to know if everything's OK. I tell her what happened, and she is worried, but she said she would be fine with me gone. She tells me to tell Mamoru to get well soon. I promise. I grabbed the presents behind the counter I had planned on giving Mamoru and Usagi when they came in. I guess it'll be delivery, now, instead.  
  
He better.  
  
Walking down the corridor of the hospital, I'm saddened as I see all the rooms I pass. Each one holds an endangered life, whom few in the outside realize are in existence. Reika walks besides me, as Kobayashi and Saori follow behind. I look down at Reika, who's staring straight ahead, and I realize how lucky I am to have her. When she had gone to Africa, I thought she was as good as gone.  
  
I don't get it. Why me? How come I'm so lucky? I don't see why Mamoru had to suffer so much. We're almost the same. I grew up with him. I feel as though I owe him. I mean, I have a family. I have the Crown. He didn't. So why did I get all the perks of life? Why did I get the good stuff? Sure, Mamoru's smarter than I am. I can't possibly deny that. And I think he studies harder than I do. That guy can fix anyone's computer. Why is he the one in the coma?  
  
Reika stops me. What? We're at his room already? Oh, I must have spaced out.  
  
I knock on the door before pushing it open and walking in, with Reika by my side. Hello Usagi-chan, I said. The poor woman-child looked up at me. I stare at her, shocked. I remember how she looked the last time I saw her. She had been beautiful, as always. She still is, but now she's different. Her cheeks have hollowed out, and are streaked with marks of dry tears. Her eyes have the deepest bags under them than any I've ever seen, and after seeing university student after university student during and after finals, I've seen a lot.  
  
Usagi-chan! Reika exclaims. She rushes over to hug the woman. Come, let's get you cleaned up a little, she says. Meanwhile, we can leave these three to talk to Mamoru-san a little, ne? I almost want to laugh as my Reika drags a shocked Usagi out of the room, presumably to the bathroom.  
  
Mamoru no baka, wake up you bastard, Kobayashi says. Saori and I gasp in surprise at the tangible anger behind his statement. I heard about your attempted suicide thing, he continues. I can't believe you could be in that condition and not tell anyone! It's not like you had much to be depressed about! You have so much - a couple of girls who love you, a stable job - which, with your almost nerdy smartness, is guaranteed to get you success - a good place to live… what could you possibly lack? And you know you could always come talk to us.  
  
Here, he broke down. A couple of girls? I think, as I echo his last sentiments. Yes Mamoru. You always had us. I look at Saori, who's staring at Mamoru, and see Kobayashi tenderly looking at Saori. Of course! How could I have not noticed it? Kobayashi likes Saori, but she like Mamoru!  
  
Maybe I'm just totally unaware of how other people feel. I couldn't see how those two felt. Perhaps I missed hints about how Mamoru felt. Maybe his soul had been crying for help, for hope, but I had missed it, because I'm just an insensitive fool.  
  
Maybe Mamoru was jealous of us, because we were born with so much. The poor guy, he had to suffer losing his parents and his memory when he was so young. And that orphanage… he took me there once. I can't believe he had to stay there. I mean, it's almost a dangerous place for children to be. Maybe it was because he kept seeing us so happy that it made him feel as though he couldn't talk to us. I mean, I have my family with me all the time, what with the family business and all. I never noticed it before, but it must have taken its toll on him, seeing me with Unazuki all the time. Oh damn! Why didn't I notice that earlier? We could've been more cautious around him, could've been more understanding of his feelings.  
  
Reika returns with a washed up Usagi. She looks much better, but she still looks as though she hadn't slept or eaten for awhile. I hand her the presents. I think the best gift has come already, I said. Mamoru-san is still alive.  
  
We left after some awkward silence and small talk. It's weird. I don't think I ever spoke much to Usagi or the other girls before Mamoru started hanging out with them. It's as though, without him, we don't have anything in common.  
  
I get back just in time to help Unazuki close up the arcade. As I wipe down the tables and the counter, I think about all I knew about Mamoru.  
  
I remember the first day I saw him at Azabu. We were both university students, though I was majoring in management sciences and he in pre-medicine. He had seemed aloof at first. It had been kind of strange. I knew a lot of people from high school, and most other students did too. For instance, Kobayashi, Saori and I had known each other since junior high. But this man, no, he didn't seem to know anyone. He was in my math class first year, and we slowly became friends. That was about when he started coming to the Crown.  
  
Later I found about his family situation. I pitied him, but he didn't want pity. By the time we were second year students, I started inviting him over for holiday meals. He had seemed grateful the first time, but I wonder if that was had been a bad idea. After seeing my close-knit family interacting, I think he only felt worse about being cheated out of his own family at such a young age.  
  
I think throughout the years, aside from Usagi of course, I was the one to get closest to him. Perhaps that's why I feel so inadequate now. I should've noticed it earlier. Looking back, I had been so busy with Reika since she returned this fall that I hadn't paid much attention to anyone else. But there had been signs of Mamoru's depression. I mean, in all the years I've known him, I've never known him to miss his daily cup of coffee. Lately though, there have been times when he didn't come in. I thought he was just busy with his internship at the hospital. If only I'd paid more attention. I would've realized that he's been in that internship all summer, and it had never affected him before. I'm such a careless friend.  
  
It's the 27th. Ami dropped by today to tell me that the doctors had diagnosed Mamoru with SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder. She told me a little about what it is. It reminds me of a poem we read in an English class once. It was by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, "The Rainy Day". I flip through an old scrapbook, one of mementos from our early years of university. In it is a page dedicated to the poem.   
  
The day is cold, and dark, and dreary  
  
It rains, and the wind is never weary;  
  
The vine still clings to the mouldering wall,  
  
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,  
  
And the day is dark and dreary.  
  
My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;  
  
It rains, and the wind is never weary;  
  
My thoughts still cling to the mouldering Past,  
  
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast,  
  
And the days are dark and dreary.  
  
Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;  
  
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;  
  
Thy fate is the common fate of all,  
  
Into each life some rain must fall,  
  
Some days must be dark and dreary.  
  
Mamoru, don't you remember this poem? We read it together. It's such a lovely poem, such as those only Americans can write. On that page, Mamoru had scribbled something. I squint to read his messy doctor-like handwriting. "If you ever feel like this, come talk to me. Mamoru."  
  
Kami-sama, how could I have forgotten that? I should've noticed it in him.  
  
I think back to what I had discovered about Kobayashi and Saori. I must be such a selfish friend. I had spent so much time and energy thinking about Reika, and her time in Africa. I kept talking to the three about her. I didn't pick up on Kobayashi and Saori's emotions, nor on Mamoru's depression. What kind of a friend am I? How could I have missed so much? I'm such a selfish fool. I was so busy thinking about Reika, being with Reika, I didn't notice the turmoil taking over my friends.  
  
Ami also told me that Usagi had walked home. Kami-sama, this weather, and she walks! Not only that, but she also tells me that Usagi had planned to break up with Mamoru. I set the book next to me on the bed, and pace around the room. Memories of that one time, when Mamoru and Usagi had broken up, come into my mind. I didn't even try to help them sort things out. No, in fact, I didn't even realize it until they got back together. I was too busy worrying about my final exams. How could I have not noticed the misery of my best friend? Then I recall that time I was upset about Reika's Africa job. Mamoru and Usagi both picked it up almost immediately, and confronted me about it. Without them, I may not have her with me today. I should've been able to help them better. I can't believe I could never help them like that.  
  
Nowadays, I can't even focus on work at the Crown. I put some strawberries into the smoothie I'm making. Mamoru, why won't you wake up? If you don't wake up, how can I apologize, and try to make up for it?  
  
I hear a voice behind me. It's Ami again. What?! You say that Mamoru woke up? There's this whirring sound next to me, and it seems to be raining… strawberry-banana juice. Oops. I guess I accidentally hit blend. I grab a towel while rambling at Ami. When'd he wake? How is he? Did Usagi go through with it?  
  
What? Yes? But he's still going to her house today?  
  
The first response of Ami's to cut through the ceaseless questions running through my head was that Usagi had already broken the news to Mamoru, not two hours ago. He was to return home today - in fact, right about now.  
  
The towel I was using to wipe up the strawberry mess falls form my hands. How did he take it? Not so good? He won't talk? I should go over and see him.  
  
But no, I can't, I think to myself. Why would he want to see me? I'm such a lousy friend. I mean, even Ami knows more about his condition than I do. She's always fluttering in and out, telling me about Mamoru's condition. Now that I think about it, I should be there, with Mamoru. I should've been around for him when Usagi broke the news to him. But no, I was too busy working. Is that why I'm a bad friend? Because I'm always working working working? What if I had asked for some time off? I'm sure okaa-san and otou-san and Unazuki wouldn't have minded covering for me a for a bit.   
  
I grab a cup for the drink. Staring at my reflection in the curved glass, I only see a useless brat, who talks and confides in, but does not listen and is not a confidant. I squeeze my eyes shut. Damn it Mamoru. Why did you never tell me? You should've told me what was wrong!  
  
A glass breaks somewhere in the arcade. I head for the broom automatically, but stopped when Ami called for me. What? The glass I was holding? Oh **** she's right… I had unconsciously held the glass so tight it had shattered in my hands. Ami's already reacting. The medical kit's over there, I say, pointing it out for her. She starts pulling out the glass pieces and cleaning up my hand. I call for Unazuki to take over for awhile.  
  
Oh damn, she went through with it. She broke up with him.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
*claps excitedly* ooooo… getting interesting! She broke up with him! What next? Who next? I know I promised to write about Mamoru next, but I think I'll be saving him for a little later on in the story - sorry to those of you who wanted that chapter. I decided want the story to develop a little further before I get into him. I think he'll be the most challenging character to write about.  
  
I must reiterate, even though it's not winter anymore - the point of this fic is to encourage people who think someone they know, be it themselves or an acquaintance, is suffering from depression or other psychological disorders to seek help. It can affect other people, too - more than you think.  
  
Lady of Light  
  
6/03 


	4. Blue as the Competition

Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or anything that comes with it. Big, rich companies own it. I do not. So please, this is just me practicing my writing skills. I need my money for college.  
  
Erm. :bows deeply: much apologies for only recently getting back to the SM fandom. If you've been following my FFN account, you'll see I've been writing a lot of Prince of Tennis lately – it's the fandom I follow mostly now. I'm writing this I suppose 'cause my tenipuri fics are getting way too emotional for boys. This one is from Kobayashi's POV. It's short and will be connected with Saori's, which is coming up next. Then I'll get to Mamoru next, and finish it off, I suppose.  
  
Yet again - overlap. But new stuff will come out.  
  
Warning: Some mild language  
  
Winter Blues  
  
Chapter 4: Blue as the Competition  
  
I had been researching a paper for my thesis when Motoki, a friend of a friend's from undergrad, called me. Oh hey Motoki, I say. It's been awhile, huh? He asks me about Chiba Mamoru - of course I remember him! I say. That guy that Saori liked, right? His next words are shocking - He's in the hospital.   
  
I gasp. Mamoru… in the hospital? What the hell happened? He says Mamoru was in a coma… how can this be? I wonder. Mamoru was always so strong, so resilient. How could he be in a coma? I realize that Motoki was still talking on the phone. Hm? Visit him? All right. He tells me to meet him at some arcade, and to bring Saori.  
  
I hang up, and look at the picture sitting on my desk, next to my phone. It is a picture of Mamoru, Saori and me, at our Azabu graduation. I haven't seen much of either of them since then, although we do talk on the phone and on the internet quite often. Actually, it's been awhile since I last spoke with Saori… It probably is time to give her a call anyway.  
  
Saori… it's me. Hey. Yea I know; I've been busy with my thesis. Listen…  
  
Oh geez how do I tell her this? Shimatta. I mean, she liked the guy. For all I know, she still does. And at the same time…I like her. Mamoru… temae.  
  
Listen… There's something wrong with Mamoru. He's in the hospital. I don't know. Motoki just called. We're going to meet up at the Crown Arcade, then go visit him. Hai. Two o'clock. All right I'll drop by soon.  
  
So I guess that's about the extent of our connection. Why does Mamoru have to be the guy with everything, and yet he still can't figure out that he's so lucky? I mean I've heard rumors about his childhood, and I feel sorry for him and all, but still, his recent past and present are so good. They must more than make up for. The girl he loves at least loves him back. As does the woman I love. Can't he see how lucky he is now, and how bright his future appears?  
  
Wow it's cold outside today. And it's still snowing, too. As though the sky is crying perfect crystal tears for Mamoru no baka. I toss on an extra sweater and prepare to go meet Saori. Mamoru was the one with a car – the guy made enough money during his stint as a model and at his tech job to have one helluvan expensive car, even at Azubu. Seriously, the guy had everything going for him. I mean, he was good-looking – him and his young, blonde girlfriend made quite a handsomely striking couple – he was intelligent, far superior to myself naturally, and he was diligent and hard-working, not easily distracted. Sure I know his youth was difficult and he lacked the love of parents and everything, but even then, he's so lucky now. The past should remain in the past, and looking at the present and into the future, well, it's such a bright and shining future for him!  
  
Oh wait… I turn around and backtrack a few steps. I was so lost in my thoughts I completely walked right by Saori's apartment complex. Walking into the lobby, I rub my hands as the hot blast of air greets my chilled skin. She is already there to greet me. In her black overcoat over what looked like some business suit, she looks as successful, beautiful, and independent as always. I don't see what Mamoru doesn't see in her. I mean, kami-sama she's absolutely perfect. There's an English song that this relationship reminds me of. Something like, "I remember when you fell in love, / I could not believe… / That it was not with me," and "Do you know I exist, just to promise you this, / Endlessly to be true to you, / And if you answer my prayer, / I cross my heart and I'd swear / Endlessly to be true to you". A B44 song, if I remember correctly. And "Sometimes the thing you need, / Is the one thing you can't see / If you put your faith in me, / How beautiful you and I would be."  
  
Saori…  
  
She walks up and hugs me. I hug her back. She fits into my body perfectly. But no, she's not mine. I let go of her for fear that I may hold on too long. Mamoru…  
  
We head towards the Crown Arcade. Ahh.. yes now I remember… it's part of the facility Motoki-kun's family owns – the Crown Arcade and the Crown Parlor. Saori apparently remembers it well, and we go straight there without getting lost. It's amazing how strong her memory is. I mean, after all this time, and with so much on her hands, and she's still oh so much better than me at navigation, in this sense anyway. I already forgot where a good friend of mine lived. How sad.  
  
The bell on the door rings as I push it open for Saori. Her face is blushed from the cold, scarf and all. Motoki and Reika are ready, waiting for us.  
  
It's not like Motoki to space out. I can't believe Mamoru's child-like fit has him so worried. He walked right past Mamoru-san's room, and would've continued to the end of the corridor if Reika hadn't stopped him. I don't get it. Mamoru has his perfect girl and mine, and friends like Motoki who care so deeply about him as to visit him on Christmas Eve, when Motoki's parlor should be at its busiest, and who gets so worried as to space out when he's usually a very level-headed man. And yet he still got himself depressed. I mean if his life is an indication of a life deserving of depression, then the rest of the world should be even more depressed. What the hell was that idiot thinking?  
  
I follow Motoki and Reika into the room. Tsukino-san is already there, and she looks totally horrible. I mean seriously, she looks as though she hasn't seen a bathroom in days. Presumably because she's been with Mamoru. I can't believe this guy. He's got a girl that cares this much for him, and he's just a self-centered little bastard who can't see how good he's got it. Still, Reika seems shocked at the woman-child's condition, and pretty much drags the woman out, presumably to get cleaned up.  
  
While the others are concentrating on what Reika is doing, I head over to Mamoru's bedside. Mamoru no baka, wake up you bastard. I hear Saori and Motoki gasp, but I don't care. I'm still too angered at him. I heard about your attempted suicide thing. I can't believe you could be in that condition and not tell anyone! It's not like you had much to be depressed about! You have so much - a couple of girls who love you, a stable job - which, with your almost nerdy smartness, is guaranteed to get you success - a good place to live… I could feel a knot forming in my throat, but I had to continue. What could you possibly lack? And you know you could always come talk to us.  
  
I had to stop here. Yes Mamoru you bastard. I rubbed at my eyes to keep the tears from coming. Tears of what, I am not quite sure. It could viably be anger at Mamoru's stupidity. Or, dare I believe it, it could be pity for the guy who couldn't realize what he had and almost lost it all. I look over at Saori, hoping she doesn't hate me or anything for what I've said. I can't stand it. Mamoru no baka… You've got it all, and you just don't know it. I mean, I don't know much about that Tsukino girl, but if you passed up Saori for her, she must be amazing.  
  
A few days later, I get a follow up call from Motoki. Mamoru-san awoke? All right. Oh he's going home today? Should we visit him again? What? Usagi-chan.. You mean Tsukino-san? She broke up with him? Why? How's he taking it?  
  
I don't know why I'm even faking all this interest in Mamoru's life. I mean, OK the blonde doesn't want him anymore; he's still got Saori. But no, Saori deserves better than the man that didn't want her first off. Not necessarily me, but definitely not Mamoru, especially not when he's so blind to what he has. Maybe this would be better for him. For a change, he could see what it's like to not have everything. To not have the woman you love love you back. Then maybe he'll realize how much life can really suck. Then maybe he'll realize how good he had it back then.  
  
But no. Even though he is part of what's keeping Saori from me, even though he's got life so much better than me, I shouldn't wish this evil upon him. Unrequited love… that I and Saori must suffer from it is enough. It shouldn't chain off like this. It's just not right. And it's not right to wish pain upon another. I just don't know how he could possibly be so blind. I mean, what was that saying that sensei was always trying to teach us… something like you never know what you have until it's gone. Well maybe this will be a good opportunity for Mamoru to reassert what he did have, to realize how well his life was going.  
  
Motoki and I agreed to visit Mamoru that night. Once again, I find myself calling Saori to ask her along on a visit to the same man who's keeping her unhappy. I don't know why we do this. But nonetheless, Mamoru was a good friend, and love and all that sap shouldn't be allowed in the way of friendship. Plus he's currently upset; probably when he needs us the most.  
  
So I'm on Mamoru's doorstep. Motoki's about to knock. Why am I doing this? It's not like I necessarily still want to talk to him. I'd been upset at him just a few days ago. I steel myself up. I can't yell at him again. Not when he's now lost it all. The sound of Motoki's fists against the wooden door ring a hollow sound, but I can still feel it reverberated in my mind. The door opens. Apart from looking pale and weak and skinny, Mamoru doesn't look like one who's been in a coma. He just looks like he had a cold or something.   
  
It's probably a good thing Saori said she had some other business to take care of tonight. It wouldn't particularly do for her to see big, strong, cool Mamoru looking so weak and helpless like this. No, not at all.  
  
Politeness and custom is overrated, I think. Mamoru tries to serve us tea and talk about the weather. How boring. I don't want to talk about the weather. Motoki takes the glasses from him, not allowing him to serve us. How're you holding up? I ask instead. He looks at me, but it feels like he's looking right through me. Was my question not even worth that much to him? I suppose he's depressed, and I should be supporting him. But how does a guy support another guy? Especially in our case.  
  
I leave after awhile. I think Motoki and Mamoru could probably talk better without me around. Instead, I find myself walking to Saori's apartment. I want to talk to her. I had forgotten that she was busy tonight though, as no one answers. But I can't wait any longer. Mamoru lost his love because he hid from her. I will not do the same.  
  
0.0 Writer's block can last for over a year and come back and slam you. Honest. I'm already started on Saori's section. I want something happy to happen soon to balance it a little, don't you? Side story, I know, but eh.   
  
Lady of Light  
  
6/04 


End file.
